Maybe you shouldn’t read this
A letter about something that could have been.
This was supposed to be a Medium text, a cute one about two people with the potential to be something wonderful together but then everything goes wrong because fate works strangely. But then it became a text about my traumas and honestly? Nobody can take it anymore. Although being honest, you can’t talk about me without talking about them, but this is not about me. It’s about potential. And it’s funny because I think you say the word ‘potency’ too much. And if I had enough inspiration I would write you a poem, one as good as those by Pablo Neruda, but apparently, nothing I write is good. I don’t think any possible combination of words is good enough to describe it. Not even Shakespeare himself could transform all this feeling into something concrete and beautiful that would become a bigger play than any Othello. So you will never get a poem from me but you will get this outburst that I hope you never read, but I also hope that the Universe lets you know, somehow, that it exists and that it comforts you.
I’m amazed at how well we work together, really. This is so rare. I love all my friends, with a burning passion. But the connection I have with you doesn’t compare to most, it’s surreal how different and wonderful it is. It feels like I’ve known you all my life, I’m sure if there are past lives I’ve known you in at least ten. And that if the Hindus are right and in some life, I was an insect, surely you were also an insect and we were inseparable. We were two butterflies with the same problems. And that brought us together. And if I were a caterpillar and you were a human you certainly didn’t kill me so I could ‘bloom’ and just out of gratitude I always came back, now as a butterfly, to visit you. I don’t know, I just know that we were there, always, for each other. And I don’t even believe in past lives, but I can come to believe in it just because of you.
But anyway, the potentials, right? I think any blind person sees ours. See how well the two of us work together. And it’s a good thing. So, it’s fine with me to just be friends, you know? I can ignore my feelings and relocate them somewhere else. But nothing and no one will stop me from thinking it’s a waste us not being a couple, because look… We would be the greatest of all. Perhaps the biggest in the “two traumatized people came together” category? Maybe. But also the biggest in the “two wonderful people met” category. Maybe that’s why we can’t be a couple. Maybe that’s why the gods and goddesses up there made only me fall in love because it would be too much for everyone. Can you just imagine the envy of people? Nobody would take it. Maybe not even us. I like to think about it because it hurts less than the most likely of realities: that there are no higher divine lives and you just don’t like me that way because you don’t. It doesn’t matter, none of it matters much. What really matters is that we found each other. And that’s good. I hope we don’t let go anymore. Even if I constantly think “just imagine if…”. But I think and then I dismiss it and everything is good again.
I just really wanted you to know, even without knowing, because I’m not going to send you this, that I think you’re amazing. I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and if past lives exist, you’re in my top ten of the best people of all lives I’ve ever lived. And that’s not an exaggeration, I just know, even though I can’t explain why or how. You are indeed interesting, you are indeed intelligent, beautiful, sensational, funny and my God so many more things (all the good things). And I know you don’t see these things, I know you don’t even believe in it. But I don’t need you to believe in anything because I know, and I know because these things are real and everyone can see them. And anyone who can’t see it is a big sucker. And all the people who once told you otherwise, or made you feel otherwise, are dumb people who don’t deserve your attention. They weren’t ready for you. And maybe I’m not either, maybe no one is because you’re too big for this world. Even if you don’t realize it. And it’s even good that you don’t like me that way, I really wouldn’t know how to deal with you on my side. But know that at some point, in all the other lives we’re going to live, I’ll know. And who knows in this particular life you believe you are wonderful. Maybe in this one, life has been kind to us and we can just live something light and cute. Maybe that’s why — we know it’s not — that we’re just here to support each other because this time of living life isn’t being kind to us. And her way of softening things is by putting us side by side so that we can tap each other on the shoulder to give that crooked support that we always give each other.
I don’t know what else to say, I think I’ve said all the words that exists. I’m looking forward to spending the rest of this life here with you — in the most innocent sense of all — and I’m looking forward to the next life when we spend it together because I’m sure we’ll bump into each other in the next one. I thought it couldn’t get better, because, again, my friends are sensational and the best people that the Universe has ever made, but then I met you and it got better. I’ve lived too much and lost too much, but damn it, finding you was like winning the lottery. It was a caress of the Universe after so many people left. And that’s good, I really deserved it. I don’t know what it’s like for you, I don’t really care either. What I feel is independent of what you feel.
Thanks anyway.
I love you.
