Her eyes are green. And she smells like shampoo. She says the sweetest of the words. And gives the best of the hugs. Everyone who crosses her path falls in love. And who said I’m not like everyone?
She was like fentanyl, only one bit and I was addicted. And I must say, I only had one small bit. The smallest. But it was enough.
How am I supposed to forget all the drives home? When I couldn’t get myself to say the right words or do the right things, and I would just lost myself in the window watching the cars go by and praying she would say something. But she already did her part, she let me in. She let me in and she drove me home. She let me in and she let me pick the music. She let me in and she smiled. All I had to do was say something, anything that would mean more than a simple “Thanks. Take care”. She let me in and I panicked. Probably everything she was offering me was a cup of tea but it always feel like if I asked for coffee she wouldn’t say no. She always smiled when I looked at her, and oh boy, didn’t I love to look at her? How was I supposed to say something meaningful when I was looking at an angel?
Like fentanyl, just one bit and I was addicted.
That night when we climbed the mountains and you said you loved somebody else. That night you spiked a knife in my heart without knowing. That night we listen to Alt-J and I thought “fuck I love her” but she’s in love with somebody else. That night you said you wanted to be a cat, and everyday you would have a different personality; and I said “oh you want to be a confused cat?” and you got offended because I didn’t get it. I’m sorry, but I still don’t. I guess you wanted to live a thousand lives in just one? You wanted freedom? Sometimes I drive myself crazy thinking if I knew what you meant every time you spoke in codes, maybe we would be together today. And sometimes I let myself think ‘maybe he knew. maybe he knew right away what you meant. that’s why you guys are together’. That night I could have tell you ‘i think I’m in love with you’ but I didn’t because everything was so fragile. Everything I got from that night was your shadow. I’m glad my advice worked even if I didn’t follow it.
I hated you. I loved you. I got over you.
You’re not like fentanyl, you’re not like a drug.
You’re you. And I guess I will never know what that means.