One of the sides of my personality disorder

Photo by Philippe Leone on Unsplash

One of the hardest lessons I’m yet to learn, despite my therapist’s best efforts, is to live in a middle way. Despite the allusion to Buddhist philosophy, it doesn’t have much to do with it. I have a personality disorder that one of the main symptoms is the constant mood swings, so I’m always swinging by good and bad, depression and mania, life is a bless and life sucks.

I’ve been diagnosed since 2019 when I had an episode and went to ER, until that moment I thought — because that’s what my doctor said to me — that I…

I don’t like being an activist, but I want my rights

Christopher Street Liberation Day March, New York, 1972 by Leonard Fink

The last day before #PrideMonth I was searching innocently in Wikipedia about a tv show I was watching and, of course, being the little gay gossip girl that I am, I went to the ‘personal life’ section of one of the actors and I discovered that he was gay. And that wasn’t surprising. What got me thinking was the fact that when he came out to the public he said he did it later in life because he didn’t want to “raise a little flag” (it is a literal translation of ‘levantar bandeirinha’ in Portuguese and it means being seen…

A short story about me and my alcoholic mother

Photo by the author

I have been to therapy for two years now and I am yet to learn the valuable lesson of “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved”. But you must agree with me that it is hard to understand that when the person in question is your mother. Right?

My mom. The person who gave birth to me. The very first home that I knew.

It all sounds very poetic, but the reality is not that beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but our relationship is kind of tricky. …

My little tale about being LGBT and growing up in a religious space

Photo by Brian Kyed on Unsplash

I never thought religion would be one of the hardest things for me to talk about but hey life is always surprising us. I want to tell, first, that I respect all religions and I truly find it beautiful that people have faith in something bigger than us, and that it helps them navigate through life. But, of course, for me, it is not the case.

I was born in a religious family, kind of. All my family says they believe in God, my dad and mom are Catholics, my sister I guess is just a believer, and my brother……

Photo by David Martin on Unsplash

It’s quarantine

I’m back because the new you are gone

In a place far away

Where I can’t reach

Because the barriers aren’t just emotionally

But they’re real too

So I’m back for the old, that I got stuck for so long

And I always wondered if

I’m really free because if I shake myself too much

I can feel the chains that kept me in the same place for too long

So yeah, I’m back

And the depression is coming again

She’s reaching out and I am out of air from all the running I’ve been making

I’ll just let her take me this time

What I can lose this time?

Quarantine feelings is so much like suicidal feelings

A short look at how the LGBT community seems to forget who our heroes are

I sadly watched a film that told the history of Marsha P. Johnson, one of the most knowingly black LGBT activists, Stonewall veteran, without knowing the film had being stolen from a POC trans woman¹ by a white man — and this is the base for this entire essay, or rant if we are going to be real about it, as it is the base for our LGBT movement today and has been since day one: white-middle-class gay people stealing the power of more marginalized people within our community, denying, by doing that, our very past.

It was until the…

The most important and most ignored facet of menstruation

There is no scientific research to support this statement, but I believe that every woman remembers the first time she menstruated. It is something that after a while becomes very natural and routine in our lives, but most of us probably panicked the first time they saw that amount of blood coming out of there. Menstruation is still taboo today and although we have countries with nuclear arsenals capable of destroying the planet, we also have countries where women do not have access to something as simple as an absorbent.

I must admit that I have never been so concerned…

A faceta mais importante e a mais ignorada da menstruação

Não há pesquisa científica que me apoie nessa afirmação, porém acredito que toda mulher se lembre da primeira vez que menstruou. É algo que depois de um tempo se torna muito natural e rotineiro em nossas vidas, mas a maioria provavelmente entrou em pânico na primeira vez que viu aquela quantidade de sangue saindo dali. Menstruação ainda é um tabu atualmente e apesar de termos países com arsenais nucleares capazes de destruir o planeta, temos também países onde mulheres não têm acesso a algo tão simples quanto um absorvente.

Devo admitir que eu nunca me preocupei tanto com essa questão…

Why am I so drawn to stories about rape and abuse?

It would be normal for someone who has been abused to feel trigged by it, but after all this time in therapy — which isn’t long, to be honest — I feel somewhat okay to consume this kind of media. And let us be clear about what type of media I’m saying: it’s like Jane’s partial story in Big Little Lies or Charlie’s background in The Perks of Being a Wallflower or the Netflix’s short series Unbelievable. This type of media. …

Photo by me | Cidade Universitária

I never knew indeed the truth. But doing therapy teached me somethings.

For starters:

  1. My depression, whose I kindly call Sísifo, is the voice in my head that is loud when my depressed crises are on. He looks like Gollum, he yells all the time in my head and never says something nice. He tells me to kill myself, that the people that are supposed to care for me are trying to kill me. We all can agree that Sisifo is not a nice person.
  2. My mania, that just recently I discovered was real, has no name. I didn’t think…

Alessandra Figueiredo

Engineer student, aspiring writer and activist. My life is a mess. Contact: | I write in English and/or Portuguese.

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